Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.