The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.