i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.