Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.