I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.