We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
where are my eyebrows?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?