No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.