You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...