i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?