she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.