I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
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hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
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