Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant