You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?