I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad