You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.