she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Loading more great texts...