Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So apparently I’m into choking now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".