update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My cat gives me a boner
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i think i have herpe
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I could make wine with my vomit
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
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