Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What the fuck dude?
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.