When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.