This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.