use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.