It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
what food is Colorado known for?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.