If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.