Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.