High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!