We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
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