Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
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