Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."