don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.