So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.