I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.