It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest