Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
how drunk are you?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means