Texts From Last Night

Last Night in California (415)

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  (415): View more from California

  LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.

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  (415): LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking. http://tfl.nu/5t1f
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  I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week

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  I don't deserve you.

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  (415): I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week (1-415): I don't deserve you. http://tfl.nu/jnri
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  I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.

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  (415): I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame. http://tfl.nu/5rwn
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  We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home

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  (415): We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home http://tfl.nu/a6an
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  so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again

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  (415): so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again http://tfl.nu/s0gt
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  I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.

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  (415): I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing. http://tfl.nu/pa54
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  Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.

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  (415): Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring. http://tfl.nu/atx5
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  Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.

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  (415): Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family. http://tfl.nu/k0wh
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  (415): View more from California

  we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"

  (707): View more from California

  communist

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  (415): we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own" (707): communist http://tfl.nu/tujw
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  (415): View more from California

  I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.

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  (415): I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided. http://tfl.nu/izkw
  Replies (4) Good night (970) Bad night (187)
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  Found an old burrito under my bed

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  You are a sick fuck

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  (510): Found an old burrito under my bed (415): You are a sick fuck http://tfl.nu/1myp
  Replies (5) Good night (340) Bad night (668)
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  (415): View more from California

  I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"

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  (415): I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!" http://tfl.nu/tw69
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  Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.

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  (415): Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me. http://tfl.nu/brt4
  Replies (5) Good night (882) Bad night (182)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

  (415): View more from California

  I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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  (317): TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT. (415): I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext http://tfl.nu/qb0z
  Replies (7) Good night (2300) Bad night (328)
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  (415): View more from California

  Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.

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  (415): Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often. http://tfl.nu/cpju
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