Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
now i know why i became what i already was.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you would pick up someone in the library
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Loading more great texts...