Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.