He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So vagazzling was a success
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference