Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.