the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
this beer tastes like vomit already
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
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