i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
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