I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there