I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up