after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
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I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
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