I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.