He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie