Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.