What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever