Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
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How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
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Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.