I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.