My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home