Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
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