She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
my poor anus
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me