you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Send us your Text From Last Night!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Someone shit on the floor
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
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