I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
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I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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