no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED