I am really drunk and also a zombie.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.