Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.