If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant