So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.