feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.