Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?