we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Loading more great texts...