I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.