His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
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