just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"