My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP