Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Maryland (410)

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  Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?

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  (410): Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel? http://tfl.nu/uv9o
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  I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions

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  (410): I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions http://tfl.nu/ho2j
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  Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.

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  (410): Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win. http://tfl.nu/bzly
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  Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.

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  (410): Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body. http://tfl.nu/22zp
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  I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.

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  (410): I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money. http://tfl.nu/sp3n
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  Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.

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  (410): Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher. http://tfl.nu/m5qa
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  Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.

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  (410): Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night. http://tfl.nu/tzdh
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  It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.

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  You have a very discerning palate.

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  (410): It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze. (301): You have a very discerning palate. http://tfl.nu/r2sj
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  I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises

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  (410): I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises http://tfl.nu/f0t9
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  I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god

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  (410): I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god http://tfl.nu/pepn
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  Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.

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  (410): Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience. http://tfl.nu/sg6n
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  after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.

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  (410): after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy. http://tfl.nu/riha
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  I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.

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  (410): I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man. http://tfl.nu/n99f
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  well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.

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  (410): well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you. http://tfl.nu/1rtw
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  One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.

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  (410): One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes. http://tfl.nu/j23w
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