dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks