Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.