I wish I had a tail.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.