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fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
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