The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Can you come over?
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?