So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?