I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.