Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
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