He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.