I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?