he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.