dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
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He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!