I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.