i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...