You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Loading more great texts...