im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Loading more great texts...