I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dating After Heartbreak
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!