I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.